Friday, October 28, 2022

Amazing Distracted Headstrong Dreamer

Sweet Vertigo by Cyril Rolando - Aquasixio
Sweet Vertigo by Cyril Rolando-Aquasixio

October is ADHD awareness month. 
I thought I should say something.

My atypical neurology ain’t so much like others with ADHD; except when it is.

Most of what you’ll find is about a neurodevelopmental disorder of childhood. It’s not the same beast if you still have it after 15 or 18; except when it is.  

I could claim old age when I forget your name or what the heck I was talking about, but I’ve been doing that for decades.

That glazed expression I get could be Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria or PTSD caused by RSD. 

My Executive brain functions could be slipping some gears. 

Dang-ed hypothalamus or some member of my Temporal Lobe is not communicating right to prefrontal 'the decider lobe'. 

“Over, Say again? Over?”      

ADHD brains have low levels of dopamine and/or norepinephrine and/or serotonin; called neurotransmitters. The same brain chemicals that drive the neurotypical brain often puts us out of sync. Acting in ways that are not optimal, let’s call it.    

The ADHD brain processes time differently than a neurotypical brain. Some lose track of time all the time. We tend to live in-the-moment. For me those dreams and goals that motivationals tell us are so important are a dream for me. Without time and memories connected right, what they call ideation of goals and steps to achieve rarely happen. Except when they do. What I do have are intentions that motivationals consider weak tea. Of course they don’t have a lifetime of living in-the-moment, problem solving on the fly. Not like we do anyway

Goals can also be written out too, before they are forgotten about.      

Social disconnect, not seeing the clues, cues and signals others take for granted.

Do you like me? Do you love me? Am I a part of your life? Am I that weird guy? 

The fault is probably mine. The thing I didn’t say or think to say or do or feel. It probably, maybe occurred to me later, after the time had passed. It didn't during the umpteen times I played the interaction in my head in advance. 

The cacophony of sensory input that is being with people distracts me.

It isn’t attention deficit, to the contrary it’s poor filters that let everything through. Too much, too fast to parse what should be important.

Except for times of hyper-focus, when everything else fades away.

Not hyperactive, not me, not unless I have the stimulant meds and coffee at the same time.

So not ADHD, ADD  

I’m an

Amazing Distracted Dreamer 

and headstrong too

I have read this at an open mic fast and hard like you might do slam; a touch milder i suppose. 

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