Day two - Friday July 13th A day in the Park

It seems I have been doing this blogging thing off and on for many years. In an effort to consolidate some of the older posts on different bogs into this one here is a post originally placed;Thursday, July 19, 2007

The thing I didn't mention before is that in my hotel the bathrooms are shared. That means that for each 4 rooms is one bathroom. Not a big deal except that as you may recall my floor was still undergoing some renovation. There were workmen and equipment and painting going on. Oh and two of the bathrooms on my floor were out of service. I took it as all part of the adventure, taking the elevator down a floor to shower. I never did see another guest except in the lobby so no awkward moments with a towel and bag of toiletries in hand.

Today was the brunch at Bob and Doris’ place. I don’t remember what I did first, perhaps I’ll come to me. I think I got my first full night’s sleep in months. I haven’t seen any pictures yet but I think I was wearing my brightest tie-dye. Back down to the subway at 42nd St. and over to Grand Central again where I found a coffee place and ordered something I expected to be sweet but was not. From there I went to the street (I don’t know how many time this weekend I would walk out of a building or stairway and walk a block or two in the wrong direction and have to back track) I walked to Madison Avenue to get a bus uptown (or is it downtown?) I saw that on some of the signs in the subway but it just said ‘downtown’ and not if that’s where i was going or where I was at. Figuring north is up hmm . . . Okay I googled it. I was going to the upper east side. Toward Harlem but a mile or three short.
Things were to get going at 11AM and I got to the street just in time. I was looking for 140 something as I recall it was between Lexington and Park Avenue (woo woo). I got to where it should have been but it was a dry cleaner or something. Was I on the right street? I looked at my printout of the eMail. I gave in and called Laurie. “Where are you?” she said. She said she’d go onto the roof and look for me. “I’m next to a store that says . . ” “Oh I see you, look up” I looked up all around till I saw her on top of this huge brick building. “ hey there you are, I’ll be up in a minute” I went into the next block. I grumbled to myself about how back home each block got it’s own hundred block. Soon I was in front of a nicely painted building with an impressive front door. I tried to open it, it was not moving, when a voice said to push harder. Nice lobby, I found the elevator, the voice came from it’s operator. He said “Penthouse?” “Yeah, are there many people there yet?” “a few” At the top there were 2 doors I picked the likely one and knocked. Waited and let myself in, me and my quaint country ways. Nice entry, hardwood floors, nicely appointed. Wow and honest to goodness New York Penthouse. Someone guided me to the living-room where there was Grand piano and many people all talking it up. Cousins from Israel. Some from Florida and so on. A nice buffet in the dining room. I don’t usually do coffee but one more won’t hurt.

I walked out onto the roof. It was a kind of deck that went on 3 sides of the penthouse. Everyone was gathered on the side where you could see the east river. Focus was on a rooftop below were a woman was sunbathing topless. "Bob, you even got us entertainment". Harry said. Harry and Nancy and a couple of their friends from Arkansas where among the onlookers.
The outside of the penthouse building seemed to be covered in metal and painted deep green that had oxidized to the color of a chalkboard. You could write on it with just your finger. I mean that’s what I saw someone, who I don’t remember who, doing. I met more new people and got up to speed with some others and in no time it was 2 hours later.

Originally several people were to ride bikes with us through Central Park. Then just Laurie, Bob and myself. Then Bob decided not to go but walked us a couple of blocks to a bike shop that had rentals. It’s my nature to always find-out what something costs before diving in. My adopted family may be Jewish but I am still mostly Scottish when it comes to spending money. (two ethnic stereo types in one sentence cool) I’m on vacation, going with the flow, doesn't matter what it costs ‘cause I was bound to say “okay”. They brought out 2 bikes a ten speed and a mountain bike. At first I choose the mountain bike. I figured with my great size and all. It turned out not to be tall enough. I can’t remember how many years or decades it’s been since I was on a ten speed. I never did get the thing about shifting back in the day. My old bike always jumped the sprockets. For Laurie of course, bikes are all the time. She’s one of those people that do all that kind of thing with the biking and the racket ball and the being healthy.
The street next to the bike shop was going away from Central Park so we went around to the next block and toward the park. Flying past those row houses on tree lined streets. It was all so picturesque that feeling of being someplace completely different. We had plotted a course to an entrance where a road intersected, 90th street I think. We stopped at a cart vender selling ice cream and popsicles. Laurie wanted a Big Stick and would settle for nothing less so we went on. The main road was blocked off to traffic so it was open to bikes and service vehicles. we went a ways on this road over some little hills and found another vender. It seems they all sell the same brand ‘Good Humor” so no big stick. We got water. You know it is just like they say, big and parkish not like a forest exactly because there is so much grass. little trials here and there. All right in the middle of miles of city. So beautiful. We got off the paved road and onto a large dirt road. We got to the reservoir I remember from the movie ‘The Marathon Man’. The fence around it was 10 feet high of dreary gray chain link in the movie. Now it was a nice wrought iron. We stopped at a group of benches were roads met the reservoir. In real life I am a poster child for the sedentary life. One reason for driving around bundles of newspapers all night is that at least it requires more movement than computer work. I was out of breath again and sitting was a nice choice.

I was concerned that riding with me was not challenging enough for Laurie, she had to go so slow. She was great about it though. Just the week before I was told that biking in central park without having been on a bike in years was madness, just didn’t make any sense at all. I tried not to be put off by the lack of confidence in me. This is where Laurie was so amazing not only was she providing the kind of companionship and friendship that had been lacking in my life for sometime but she never doubted my ability to do this ride, was kind a and patient with me and served as tour guide to boot. Again I wondered why everyone was being so nice to me. I remember in the days I did massage putting in the extra bit of compassion not included in the fee was always my pleasure to serve. It must be something like that.
We had been looking for a castle she knew was somewhere in the park, we were chatting and I teased her about being able to talk to strangers at random. She walked up to an old englishman on the far end of one of the benches. He was a tourist also but reckoned the castle was over in that direction (he pointed to a path and a bridge). We mounted up again and diverted onto a smaller path. Not sure of the directions we stopped a small maintenance vehicle with a couple of guys that seemed to be park employees. They told us we were looking for Belvedere Castle it was over in that direction, they pointed. Just then we saw the old englishman walking that direction. Off again and soon we were to a corner of the castle and the road was just too steep for the bike so we walked them the rest of the way. Now this was neat, made out of large stone blocks. She insisted that she didn’t want her picture taken but I should climb up inside so she could click off a couple. On the way back down we met the old englishman again and I guess this is the other side of being easy to talk to because he felt compelled to tell us (well Laurie) his life story. We rode off and was stopped by this goofy guy in a uniform who told us that the tails were for foot traffic only. We got off and walked to the next rise and then rode on.
Then we were back on the city streets and in front of what on the maps is The Metropolitan Museum of Art but the signs out in from said something different. There were lots of people just hanging out on the steps lots of activity. All the activity was invigorating so i lead the way back to the bike shop. At one point careening around cars and trucks on Lexington Avenue. Not bad about $15 each for 2 hours.
There were plans for dinner at this special place but that was hours away. “What do you want to do? have you seen, the statue of liberty, ground zero, the Brooklyn Bridge?” “ I don’t know if there’s time for a trip to liberty island, ground zero ahhh . . . , how about the bridge?”
I don’t know how we got from there to the subway but soon we were on our way down to the Brooklyn Bridge. I’d seen a couple of TV documentaries about it, those workers that got the benz and all that.
By the time we got there I had to pee something fierce. We were near city hall and there was a kind of booth thing with a police woman inside. I asked for directions. She didn’t know of any accept inside the building and maybe security would let me in, I’d just have to ask. I recalled the security at the air port taking my shave cream and having to remove my shoes at LAX. This wasn’t so involved, the usual but your things in the tray so someone can look at them through X-ray or something then walk through the free-standing door frame scanner thingy. Err, Err “What’s this?” Remember ChouChou had given me a little present of a swiss army business card? In it was a little letter opener with a blade less than 1” in length. Suddenly I am a security threat and I picture myself languishing in GitMo. Actually the guy thought it was amusing but needed to keep it while I was in the building. For such a big and busy, full of people city this part of city hall was empty, and kind of seedy even spooky for a place with 22 foot hight ceilings and marble floors. Mission accomplished i went back down stairs and got my weapon back.

We walked out on the bridge as far as the first tower. Did I mention how nice the weather had been. cool and a little breeze? Couldn’t see the Statue of Liberty from there. I began to think it was a something for a different visit to the city. We got hot dogs and sat on some grass under a big tree to relax. I had been there for 32 hours and hadn't met the abrasive, superior new yorker yet. What’s up with that? Back to the subway and midtown where our Hotels were. Notice how I am getting used to the lingo.
I really needed to freshen up but i don’t recall there being time. The next stop was dinner with the whole group, many of the people from the brunch and then some. We were rejoined by Dyanna and Tommy. The time was getting late so we got into a cab, I sat in front next to the driver. A guy on his 50s or so with a long white beard and turban. Laurie asked him if he was from India, he said yes. She said she had been ther recently and decribed how much she liked all the temples. Her favorite deitey was Kali feminine powers and all that. (I dark figure as i recalled seeing somewhere). He said that there were many faiths and questioned what she believed. She finaly said “ Are you hindu?” He said “No” I said “ You’re a Sikh, aren’t you?” “Yes” “We have a lot of Sikhs where I come from” “Where do you come from” “ Bakersfield, . … California. ther are a couple of temples there” We were running late and he was driving fast. I had heard about New York taxi drivers skill, when he said to buckle up i did it. We had a little trouble finding it, Diana had written down the address. 24 First Ave of we went to 1st and 2nd and needed to go to 1st and 1st. Lucky Cheng's, the original drag queen restaurant. http://www.planetluckychengs.com/ Yikes!
It was a little hard to find as the entrance was narrow and up some steps.

Here is Laurie with our waitress. He/She said she was saving up to complete the conversion to female.

Bob's Big Birthday Weekend Events lots Happened that day

Prologue - the back story

It seems I have been doing this blogging thing off and on for many years. In an effort to consolidate some of the older posts on different bogs into this one here is a post originally placed;
Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I told someone that I hadn't ever taken a vacation. That isn’t really true. I’ve had many happy holidays in the San Francisco bay area when CL first moved there in the late 80s. Dad and I took a week to visit some of the places he worked after WWII as far north as Eureka just a few weeks before he passed away. Once I traveled as far as Eugene, I had always heard nice things about Oregon as a nice place for people like me to live and figured I had better give it the once over.  (Eugene/Springfield seemed a bit too much like Bakersfield/Olidale the rest of the state is pretty and green).  Another vacation-y thing I do are the one or two camping trips a year my old buddies and I go on. When I said I had never taken a vacation what I meant was that I had never gone farther east than Denver just as a get away. And certainly never on a big airplane.

I have been going through a lot of depression and medical reverses ever since Dad died in 98. Things just got worse in 01 when I went into the hospital with blood sugar over 1600. Over 600 is supposed to be dead, so I should be grateful. Doing a lot of sleeping and nothing in particular in my little house with my two dogs has been pretty much my life the last few years. Oh and buying six or nine hundred newspapers at 1am everyday to sell and deliver in and around the countryside in Wasco ca.

About a year ago a friend told me about taking drastic steps to change her life. I was inspired by her determination and courage. She is very beautiful and charming and such a dear friend that I wanted to be a part of her new life. At least that’s what I thought through the haze of tranquilizers and SRIs they had me on. First thing was to quit taking those pills. They warn not to stop them too quickly. The SRI (wellburtin) stopped easy enough. The tranquilizers (nortriptyline) took a bit more time. I think it was addictive. In a few months I was clear of those and even eating vegan most days after reading the book “The China Study” . It became clear that my friend didn’t need me and my problems in her way as she rebuilt her life, later who knows?

After months of sorting out emotional crap I was to a point where I could re-enter society and the people who walk the earth during daylight. I got a small but worthwhile part in a production of Macbeth. After all that time with just a few friends or only the sound of my own thoughts the hyper verbal cast of Macbeth was just the change I needed. (see the other blog ‘Theater as Therapy” for details, that reminds me ‘add details to T as T blog’)

I was talking to Laurie on the phone one day when the subject of vacations came up. She reminded me that Uncle Bob’s 80th birthday was in July and everyone was coming to New York for the event. The newspaper biz, you may have read (or more likely seen on a screen) is in decline. The newspaper company makes sure that we on the street level also feel the pinch. I don’t have savings as such, but have always lived an austere life financially. Opulent by Cambodian standards but not by most of middle class America. I searched to figure out financing.

Breaking away from the grind, the house, the town, the old worn out life. Just the thing to snap me back or forward into a new mind set. 

The next thing

I am often struck by the hubris of blogging. I use it as a means of keeping a journal and it gives me a static way to sort out my thoughts. It helps in giving perspective and because of the way my brain works also a way to off load some thoughts that get stuck in a loop. Still it is nice to think someone, hopefully a sympathetic soul, might read my posts and relate or in the best case gain a useful insight. The stats part of the blogger site tells me I have had 35 page views of the latest entry. Older posts have been looked at too. The part that tells where the viewers clicked from lists 3 odd sites. One is google images that links to a picture in a an older post. Most are from eastern Europe and Russia for some reason. None are from facebook which is the only place I left a link. Hmm, even the 3 or 4 people that 'liked' my link didn't follow it. Hmm. As I said this is mostly for me anyway.

Changing my eating habits wasn't that difficult at first because I had been so miserable for so long. I started with plain oatmeal to start everyday. In my case each day starts around 1 or 2 PM. I get home from work around 5 AM and usually go right to sleep. Soon I added raisins and a spoon of brown sugar to the daily routine. It was good. The bloated and sick feeling began to fade away. The sleepy dizzy feeling that followed most meals also didn't happen as often mainly because I limited myself to small servings of one thing 2 or 3 times a day. On days when I was able to actually use the CPAP machine for more than 4 hours straight I felt pretty good. I began to have hopeful feelings for the first time in a long time.

When the Dr clued me in to GURD and gave me Pepcid AC she also gave me Gemfibrozil for cholesterol. As I said in earlier posts statins for cholesterol had ruined my life for several years and I am still recovering from that. I did the research and Gemfibrozil works on a whole different principle so I gave it a try.
While my general health was on the upswing because of the bland diet other things began to happen;
I sit all the time. Sit at home in front of the TV or computer, sit behind the wheel at work. Part of my decline of the last year or so had me in a situation where standing for more than a few minutes was painful. My big belly sticks out so far forward I have to lean back when I stand, putting the stress on the muscles in my legs that are not used to doing that job. They become tired and painful very quickly. Not doing any standing or walking has left them weak also the GURD kind of poisons multiple body systems.  For several months some kind of trouble in my left hip causes my left leg to feel tingly like it is asleep when I stand. It started getting worse. Sitting was giving me pain in my butt. I finally got a special seat cushion for the mini van that is great, the rest of the days was still a problem. After doing the Sunday paper which involves a couple of hours of hand work assembling the parts of the paper I was having what felt like arthritis in my hands and arms. As other parts of me were working better my ability to move and work was dwindling down. Finally all of my joints were aching when it occurred to me what was going on. Gemfibrozil. The statin drugs not only scrambled my brains but made me weak and I knew where to go for a great seat cushion because this had all happened before. Some people's body's simply function with a higher level of cholesterol at all times. For some reason lowering these levels artificially with medication causes the muscle fibers to disintegrate. I am one of these lucky people. I stopped taking Gemfibrozil and within a few days the constant pain began to subside.

Part of me was in quite deep despair over this latest set back. The journey back to some kind of general good health and well being has taken over 10 years so far and at every step there have been set backs. Being mostly immobile adds to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Even simple tasks like housekeeping and home maintenance have gone undone for years now.
To make things worse knowing that any plan to rehabilitate myself must include weight loss, healthy food and exercise, I saved up enough money to buy a 2 year membership at 24 hours fitness. Once the pain started to subside I started going. I knew that for this to work long term I needed to take it super slow. Break a sweat on the bike, a few reps on some machines then on the steam room, pool for couple of laps and some Jacuzzi. All easy stuff and I left feeling loose and good. After the 3rd visit the joint and muscle pain came back in force. That was 3 weeks ago.

Dwelling on sad feelings was part of what was so bad about the way the statins muddled my thoughts. I have done enough self help courses and books etc. that I know for a fact that life in the short and long term is made up of the stories you tell yourself. Nothing more. Sad or discouraging facts can be interesting but the stories are what makes up your life and are limited to the past. At any point any of the stories can change. I was reminded just yesterday about the deeper theories of very serious physicists and thinkers that reality it's self can change and conform to perceptions of it.
For my purposes I choose to trudge along because there is simply no value or good story in giving up or being sad all the time. There are bad days but overall I keep trying to move forward.

Finally, Acid Reflux!

I can't believe I haven't posted in over 5 months. Let's see, what has happened?

November was pretty stressful. I had so much trouble finding people to deliver papers in the early morning. Finding people with a focused mind is hard enough. The ability to focus, be up and alert for 3 hours in the early AM and willing to do it for $30 a day is not common. I ended up hiring back my guy from last time. He costs $40 a day but does it right with no complaints.

Then one of my friends from back when we were trying to develop the massage industry in Californian in the early 90s hit me up to do a promotional post card for her spa. She runs a special every Christmas. I bailed on her last request to do some charts for the State Massage Board so I agreed. It was okay but not my best work. I came down with a flu that ended up lasting over 7 weeks. The week I was supposed to get her files in to the printer I was barely able to get out of bed. She paid for the printing and postage in advance so I haven't even sent her a bill for my work.

Big big news is that after all my years of whining and that post listing all my medical woes I have finally been given clues to a way out. Yeah!

I went to see the latest Dr. at the big clinic near my house. He's one of theses English not as a first language guys from Korea I think (Japan?). Nice enough guy but he's an intern and has no idea what I'm saying.  The need for effective health care overrides the need for politically correct shame at our country being mono lingual. That said he wasn't in the day of my appointment so they gave me a different intern. A nice young white girl from right here in the USA. I went into detail about what had been going on with me. How even after years of using it

I still wake up having slid the CPAP mask off my face. I told about all the years of tests and having this bloated, dizzy & feel-like-shit so I need to lay down feeling I seem to have all the time. Chronic sleep deprivation. About my frustration that it is all getting worse and that I am at my wit's end.

She asked me if I have acid reflux, you know, that feeling of stomach acid bubbling back of in the back of your throat. I said "no, not very often". She then told me that it is not uncommon for type 2 diabetics not to be able to feel acid reflux. I said yeah but one of the things the Kaiser Drs tried was both of those acid controlling things Prilosec and Ranitidine with anti-allergy medication. The hypothesis was that my sickness had to do with post nasal drip making nasty stomach Ju Ju. I did that for 6 months and it didn't seem to make a difference. She wrote me a prescription for Pepcid AC which is similar to Ranitidine but different. Then advised me to eat smaller meals and read up on GERD.

It took me a few days to remember that "Oh yeah, I used to use Alka-Seltzer and stuff like that all the time". My use of those things slowed and my taste for alcohol started to fade away too after I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and I started using the CPAP machine. That's when it all off the rails. Then I started remember my father and his life long (my lifetime at least) struggle with ulcers and stomach upset.

That was around Dec 8th. Since that time I have loaded up on Alka-Seltzer & Tums and read all about the good and bad foods. Breaking my heart is no tomato products or chocolate. Just not eating is making the first part of the day productive. Every week I spend less time just lying down. As a long time fat guy and compulsive eater, not eating is getting pretty nerve racking. Since I already take Adderall for ADD (aka dextroamphetamine and amphetamine or "Speed" grew to fame as a diet pill) it has been helpful in cutting appetite but is not a medication with no side effects of it's own.

Take two and be happy with it. At least you’re alive, kind of.

I know this is a boring part and I keep going over and over it in my mind. Trying to understand what has gone wrong with me. I have multiple health issues that have gone on for decades and have not only limited potential in many ways but have bent the life I intended to live into what it is now.

Here is a partial list, my medical history. 

Obesity:

This may be the longest and is certainly the root of all of my problems. With the exception of ADHD or whatever the alphabet soup for the way my brain works might be called by one specialist or another.

Current studies show that the knack of being able to delay gratification is learned early in life and may a talent one is born with. They say testing children as young as 4 years old can predict their scholastic and other kinds of success. Just like allot of people I have the ability to delay gratification in some areas and not at all in others. 

Conversely, responding to hunger up until the 1920s was a valuable survival skill. I tend to believe that, what is by some considered an eating disorder ‘compulsive eating’ is in fact a trait that in earlier times was a good thing. This is why attempts to circumvent this natural tendency is almost always met with defeat. 95% of obese people, after weight loss, return to their pervious weight, and then some. This is just one of an array of factors opposing change in the eating habits of people such as myself who are obese and morbidly obese. 

When I was 5 our family moved to Bakersfield because like me, my dad, was a bit of a lone wolf. Unlike the legendary lone wolf the lone human can be friendly, joyful, a good neighbor and friend. Dad had a problem working for other people, he did it well enough but it got under his skin. With 1 or 2 brief exceptions I never knew my dad to have friends. Guys to hang out with. Dad was a reader of crime novels.

Our family went into the fast-food business back before it was called fast-food (also before eating away from home was common). Dad worked at our A&W 16 hours a day on most days. Since this was also before inside dining, even with the charms of actual car hops (not on skates) the winter was slow. They eventually took to closing the place for a month or so in winter. 

Here, just like in our old house in Bellflower I was the only kid my age in the neighborhood. This is where the pattern of isolated living started for me. Two things happened to me during this time. (roughly age 5-10) I spent many days, weeks, in and around the drive-in where there were also not other kids. A lonely kid with his own deep fryer, griddle, and soft ice cream machine soon became a fat little kid. Being the fat kid in school is fairly common now, back then their were only a few of us. Being teased and ostracized became a pattern. 

I don’t have any memory of what it was like not to be husky, heavy, heavyset, big, overweight, fat. Mom took me to a diet Dr. that seemed to need to have the lights off when he gave me a rectal exam. I ate handfuls of pills and weird food from the food list (the first of many) that the Dr. gave Mom. The program changed a few times before they gave up. 

I was Mom’s favorite, or so my sisters told me. They were right, that’s why it took me so many years to figure out another piece to the puzzle of why I’ve never had a serious relationship. Her love for me was so complete that when her own obsession with weight became the basis for how I was thought of, the result was that I was great and wonderful and smart but not someone that could be loved. Not by anyone worth loving back at least. 

Both of my sisters have suffered because of this unfortunate way of thinking. My older sister got addicted to diet pills (speed) starting at 13. She had an athletic build and did well as far as keeping weight off. She was attractive and worked as a waitress for most of her working life. Her early introduction to chemically induced sensation and the other residue of mother’s quirks must have had a part in the miserable state she spent her last 20 years or so. A junkie, being crippled with osteoporosis allowed her to drop methadone in favor of daily morphine the last couple of years. Little sister eventually had gastric bypass and is one of it’s success stories, she also has a streak of anger and bitterness about our folks that makes me sad.

This is where obesity started for me. When I was a teenager I went to a special weight watcher’s group for teens. I got down from 220 to 198 when I was 16. The stress was too much after a few months. I tried dieting and other weight reduction schemes off and on for a couple of years but nothing serious in the last 25. I have started going to the gym a few times and liked it but something would interrupt the pattern and I would stop. That was mostly just to feel better not for weight loss specifically. 

Sleep apnea:

I have had to adjust to changing body size from time to time. Periodic back pains, devising new methods of wiping from time to time and things like that. I somehow overcame those things. My best calculation is that I must have started having sleep apnea around 1982 or so. Mostly because I have always lived alone it was not discovered or diagnosed until 2003. In the 20 years it went undiagnosed it had a profound effect on the course of my life. I was a big pothead in the 80s I also worked in a liquor store from 1977-82. I was so wasted much of the time the distortion of my perceptions cause by the lack of oxygen during sleep and the lack of restful sleep went unnoticed. The job allowed me a luxury that most people never have. I could always sleep until I woke up, I never woke to an alarm, further masking the effects of sleep apnea. When I decided it was time for a career, choosing massage and making my own schedule allowed this practice to continue. 

The lack of sleep also hindered any attempts at dieting or delay of gratification back then. It also slowed my metabolism to such a degree 12 hour cold capsules and similar things lasted twice as long.

Gout 

This started in 1984 when I was the in-house massage therapist at a big hair salon complex called Hair West. My friend C.L. and I had the habit of drinking mass quantities of beer, then Tequila & Whiskey, then Vodka because it was the cheapest. I came to understand that gout, the formation of uric acid crystals in the joints, is caused by excess uric acid in the blood caused by eating too much food with purines in them. It was known for centuries as the rich man’s disease because only the wealthiest people could afford to eat the highest purine containing food like brains and liver in large amounts. Since wealthy people with gout also drank wine and liquor that was also supposed to be a causative factor. The actual research shows no direct correlation. However Dr.s persist in telling gout sufferers not to drink. This was a big clue in my later understanding of the ineffectiveness of modern medicine in treating my various ills. 

Gout is the most painful fucking thing that you can’t even imagine it. Most common is to get an attack of gout in the last joint of the big toe. I’ve had them in all joints at one time or another. Only in the big toe once or twice. This of course leads the Dr to question if it was gout attack when I report it back to him later. Did I mention that it is a unique kind of pain unlike any other? 

The area swells and develops a bright pink-red color, also unique. Like a tooth ache the pain never stops. Sharp knife like and burning often an 11 on that 1-10 scale of pain they ask you about. You can elevate the limb and try to remain calm but a strong anti-inflammatory medication called indocin is the only thing that can break the cycle. It sometimes takes it a few days to work. 

Thankfully it is true that memory of physical pain is not vivid. However enduring that much pain over and over again for days at a time does change you. 

Most of my research was before the internet and done at the public library. The bottom line was that while they know the physical processes involved in an attack  understanding of why attacks occur is less than complete. It does seem to be true that eating foods high in purines like steak can trigger an attack. I’ve had it happen that was a few times. I love liverwurst and indulge from time to time but have never had an attack from it even though it is much higher in purines. The big trigger seems to be certain kinds of stress. The kind with lots of anxiety at the same time. 

One year I stumbled on an unlikely way to break the cycle of an attack. My buddies and me spend 3 or 4 days in the mountains every year. One year the combination of stresses I’ll talk about later on and the rich food we eat on our trips triggered an attack. Even with the pain I didn’t want to be stuck at the campsite and made my way down to the creek. It was the kind of mountain creek that runs through a channel in one giant rock. A wade in the icy mountain water was cooling to my swollen instep. I stepped on a slick moss covered rock, before I could react I fell hard into the shallow water just feet from a big water fall. I rolled out as quickly as I rolled in and had a tremendous adrenaline rush. Within a few minutes the gout attack was gone. I don’t know if it was the adrenaline it’s self or the break from the mental stress because of the adrenaline and shock but it was interesting.

I rarely smoke marijuana these days. No big story I just got tired of it. However if I have a big attack of gout I used the event at the creek to develop a cocktail that breaks the cycle, usually days sooner. I crowd the doses of indocin from 8 hours to 6. The initial side effect of indocin is a feeling of nausea and euphoria. They say not to but I also take Ibuprofen another anti-inflammatory at the same time. As soon as I feel the nauseous euphoria getting strong I smoke a most of a joint of the good stuff. This suppresses the nausea and lets the euphoria flow freely. Now since it’s probably not safe to trigger an adrenaline response when I an like this I found and alternative. In this state pornography is not usually required but an orgasm in this state is quite tremendous and can break the cycle. I might be able to focus enough for coitus but a blow job would be awesome way to do this. Not that I’ve had the chance to try it. There again I refer to the upcoming post on isolation. 

Once a day since 1984 I have taken a pill to help my body expel excess uric acid.

High blood pressure

I stared taking a pill for hi BP in the 80s. In 1996 my mother died following a massive stroke so I take them without fail everyday.


High cholesterol
In 1998 I think it was first given a statin drug called Zocor. During the 00s I have suffered from a dramatic increase in mental confusion, memory loss, depression etc. It took me until 2010 to figure out that the symptoms of these other medical issues had been accelerated/exacerbated by what the statin drugs do. Now a year later some clarity is returning. From what I've found it takes the same amount of time to heal form the damage caused by the statins. University study. Link between statins and Alzheimer's. Other problems.  

Depression

I first saw a psychologist about this in 1994. I was on the county medical program and they sponsored 5 sessions. It was very informative and helpful. I believe it started a few years before when I was still doing massage full time. I was given this new drug called Zoloft. It took a few days for it to kick in, for the next 2 weeks everything felt good. After a couple of years I had to stop taking it cold turkey. The thing of no highs or lows got to being intolerable. Depression is a ongoing and recurring theme to this day. 

Diabetes

It was only a matter of time I suppose. I had a quack Dr I was seeing before my Dad died in 1998 who warned me about the risk of diabetes. I was in the process of changing my eating habits when Dad passed away. I was so distraught and despondent over his death that I lost all of those plans. 

In 2000 I was not doing too bad in some ways I was even using whatever Yahoo was calling their dating site to line up dates. I took this one girl for a swim in the pool of some friends who were on vacation. I did it in a hot tub I had years before but never in a pool until then. My friends who own the pool are too reserved to actually do that themselves and are shocked to this day. Later in the more intimate setting of my bedroom things didn’t go so well. I was ready, she was ready, Mr penis remained un excited. I learned later that this too has a warning sign. 

The last couple of weeks of 2000 I spent in bed with what I thought was the flu. I went to my quack Dr. I told him I thought I had the flu so he gave me antibiotics. After those were gone and I was even worse he gave me more. This was the guy who diagnosed me as pre-diabetic. Near death my sister Stacey dropped by for a visit while passing through town. She immediately took me back to my Dr. Seeing that I could barely walk he told her to take me to emergency. 

The county was in the midst of a major flu epidemic and the place was packed. After several hours in the waiting room I was unable to walk and faded in and out of consciousness. Stacey demanded that I be seen. I only have glimpses of memory of what happened then. When my blood sugar was finally tested the normal stick test was useless and they had to send my blood to the lab. They say the blood sugar over 400 and you are in a coma. Over 600 and you are most likely dead. Mine was over 1600. It took 72 hours to find me a bed in ICU. They started an IV of insulin and a catheter. I don’t remember them starting the IV. I do remember them installing the catheter. Yoiks! It took a while for my blood sugar to go down enough to put me into a regular room. I was in the hospital for 7 days total. And just like they told me it took 7 weeks to recover. 

I was on insulin for 6 months or so and my weight went to 360. Insulin will do that. I took the diabetes classes the 7 day Adventists give. After I went on the oral medication a special diet was not necessary to keep me at the right blood sugar so all that good learnin’ went to waste. Mostly. 


ADD or is it ADHD

This one has been with me all along but wasn't diagnosed until 2007. Although I do have a vague recollection of being tested and taking medicine as a kid. I'm not sure what it was for. Understanding this has lead to many a realization of why I had done and though many things. Taking Adderall has been the treatment until August of 2011. Not taking Adderall is also enlightening. 

This brings us up to date with the basic medical issues I deal with. After being diagnosed with diabetes the last decade has been one nightmare after another dealing with side effects and complications. Details in following posts.