Temporal Myopia

Since being diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) 10 years ago, in 2007, I have read a boat load of articles on the topic. The views from Neuroscience, neuropsychology, psychiatry, cognitive science, pharmacology and psychology all have valid points to make. There are even quasi scientific hypotheses that have good points to make too. A favorite is the hunter vs farmer theory. Especially nice about that one is that it down plays the 'disorder' part of the usual descriptors. There is no attention deficit to it really. It's too much attention if anything. Focus is the issue. 

The mainstream industry classifications recognizes 3 kinds of ADHD. Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation (ADHD-HI), Predominantly Inattentive Presentation (ADHD-PI), and Combined Presentation  (ADHD-C). I have ADHD-PI, many just use the old term ADD to label this type. Another one has 7 variations. Sometimes it's on a spectrum with genius at one end and asperger's at the other. OCD is also common in some of us. Perhaps somewhere deep in the literature is a description of  the actual processes and how they differ. Problem is; after 9 or 13 minutes I'm done with reading. My mind wanders and I get frustrated having to re read the same passages over and over. 

Internet groups have let me in on what some other people experience. Some are super smart folks that have managed to leverage their cognitive uniqueness into exceeding expectations. Many have long histories of trying fitting in as square pegs in a world of round holes. They and the other people in their lives experience much sadness and frustration. Addiction, craving neurotransmitters is also too common among adults with ADHD. For some reason I was spared that. Too much drink or drugs and I get bored or it makes for an unpleasant confusion. Not that I didn't spend a number of years in one kind of stupor or another. Unlike some who hit bottom, with all that entails, I simply got tired of it and rarely do it now. I don't know how it breaks down compared to the rest of the world but the percent of high IQs appears similar, perhaps a bit higher than the norm. I am in the high IQ part of the demographic is my guess. It is hard to say. By our nature we ADHDers are forced to figure our way around things other people take for granted. Workarounds and creative problem solving are a way of life for us. Often we end up with much more facility with creative problem solving than other people generally. It could be intelligence or just practice. Easy to think outside the box when the box is just another of the hundred concepts passing through. 

My understanding of what all of this means to me has been stalled. Why my life has turned out so differently than other people's have? Why was it I didn't finish school? Why did I never have children? I love children, I did great the time I worked for the YMCA. Now that I think about it; deep down I knew something was up. I just didn't know what. 

I have sometimes, over the years, loved women deeply and passionately. Just never someone I was dating at the time. Why have I never had a deep relationship or cohabitated? I eat and sleep and have emotions. Some people respect me for my intelligence. I made my living for 30 years by my wits. The work was often meaningful or stimulating in other ways. Not a lot of money or that kind of success, but that's never been very important to me. Why was that never a big goal?  Part of it is philosophical by way of reason and a nurturant nature. Some is my spiritual calling. Part of it is luck of the draw outcomes of actions I have taken or didn't. Previous posts indicate some of the role obesity has had. How does this whole ADD thing figure in? Before I was diagnosed I was always about some project or other. The sense of purpose that it lends to life and days. Not the even 10% of projects get completed before I lose focus and move on. A friend helped me start a bathroom renovation in 2001. In 2014 I got started on phase 2. One sections still doesn't have cabinet doors. I'm much better about projects I get paid for. Women aren't projects or problems to be solved. 

My approach has always been that your life partner should be your best friend so I have had women best friends that never become lovers or any of that. Or vice versa. Sometimes I or she didn't feel it, sometimes it is like there is a taboo about making that transition. But there have been what seems like a hundred variations on rejection and misunderstanding. Too many to list here. One thing is that as I get older things I sense become more intense. Music becomes an earworm much easier. Pretty much all stimuli echoes through me like an earworm. Women are such a full mind•body•spirit experience even before romantic touch happens it can be intimidating. To mitigate you turn off some senses, then the experience is not genuine and that has problems to it. 

In 1983 I went to massage school. It was a kind of calling to do the good that can be done with that form of communication. A have a drive to distribute my dna like every male of every species. The pleasure and relief of sex acts is also compelling but more often than not left me longing for a deeper connection. I had hoped to learn from massage the pieces of the puzzle that that were missing from my ability to connect and be intimate with women that I was attracted to. What I did learn was a world of joy and satisfaction from non-sexual intimacy. However in the end the work I loved burned me out because the moral and ethical boundaries that made the work possible only drove me further from the intimacy I craved.  

Add a kind of social blindness to what is described below. I have a few solid platonic besties men and women. That is all I had for many years. The attitude towards me of some people who have known me for decades remains a mystery. For some people “strict father framing” is written into their dna so a person who is different, nonconformist by choice or disposition, is reviled for wanting respect or even sympathy. So maybe it is them. I'm nice. 

I have friends that tell me about sex that they enjoy. Role playing I guess is the general term. Dressing up and pretending to be fictional or playing with fear and control like in the 50 shades book. Only in that book I am told that the women is really in control, they have safe word and all of that but the woman in control is just one variation. I don't know, I have never liked being controlled or controlling others. I know that on the regular 'not role playing' level women and men find excitement in giving each other the business to heighten anticipation. Cheating in marriage is a way get a buzz from control issues more than disloyalty or any of that, sometimes. This is all so foreign to me. I used to think it was because of my lack of the sex frequency that makes other people look for adventures in sex. The other day I stumbled onto another thing that relates back to ADD. In a mini rant on facebook that other day I posted this "It turns out that what I call my 'cognitive uniqueness' is a neurological predisposition that makes me more immune to binary thinking and opinion holding than is average. Momentary passions notwithstanding I find both of those things to be a crooked path to understanding.  . . Always being in observer mode has it's downsides. Like when strong action is required, women need to be cajoled or accentuation of conflict is required for making a story interesting, setting up a joke or going viral on social media. . ." 30 years ago I adopted the habit of foregoing opinions whenever possible because that are an intellectual dead end. More often than not. (this book). Turns out that it was more about giving in to my true nature. Failing to present myself in a compelling way to women was/is about me just assuming that they can see and feel what I feel. As I indicated earlier sensory input, natural drives and intuition can be overwhelming. Mystified when they do not see/feel it too. More than the corny old joke: "Women need a reason to have sex, Men just need a place . .". I still feel that a romance should somehow develop on it's own. It shouldn't need to be an expressed opinion that true affection is called for as much as sexual gratification. I am clearly wrong about that. The next paragraphs go into the in-the-moment processes I need to work around to make it happen. 

I caught a break last June when I stumbled onto this video. Russell Barkley, Ph.D., has written over a dozen books and more than 150 scientific articles related to the nature, assessment, and treatment of ADHD. 

I agree with some of what he is saying. It's a blind spot I never knew I had. I'm still working on understanding the outline of what it is in my instance. 
He is also thinking about it in a linear way when it is not only a spectrum but happens in a 3D space. He speaks in absolutes when everything I have seen or heard indicates that each case of ADHD is unique, especially as we age.

What a revelation this has been for me. Like the physiological blind spot, punctum caecum, where the optic nerve passes through the retina. If you don't know to look for it, it's still always there, you just never knew it was there till someone told you. I know I have read about this aspect someplace but the metaphor he uses makes all the difference. 

Side note: Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder - inattentive type (ADHD-IT) is the official name my type of cognitive uniqueness. The naming of this condition come from the mental heath bible called DSM-5. This product was originally developed in the 50s so that psychologists and psychiatrists could have a common standard for billing insurance. The main complaint is that it is used for more than just billing codes, it's based on symptoms, not causes. Everything in it is by default a disorder or malady.    Anyway those descriptors for what is going on with me fall short. They are imprecise and create unnecessary negative biases. Jessica McCabe that does these videos is kind of what you think of when you think of ADHD. She's hyper, but is getting some good info out there. So I choose to use ADD because it's easier to say and type. Also if you had ever met me, hyper is not a way you'd describe me. I actually prefer Cognitive Uniqueness as a way to describe it. This leaves open many possibilities and glosses over the 'disorder' aspect. Unfortunately it leads to having to explain. I ain't gots time for that mr mundane brain person. 

Intuition: What I learned a few months earlier about how intuition works flicked on the light bulb over my head. The movie this trailer is about was a revelation. It explains so much, in non-new age terms, about why my approach to doing massage was so successful for so many years. I trusted my intuition, which wasn't plugged into the big kahuna brain of the universe. Well, not on all levels anyway. I was using all that my brain had collected without passing through what we call in hypnotism 'the critical mind'. The time blindness concept explains why I had been drawn to massage and other occupations that could be done intuitively in-the-moment rather than through another process. Once I had used the various functions of graphics software enough times that I didn't have to think about what to do next I was off to the races with that 10 year career. This also probably explains why having a project to work on has always been so central to me. It is a way to add focus before I knew about the medication. Adderall doesn't add a sense of purpose so projects remain crucial. 

The process of discovery of just what this ADD thing is and how it relates to me has been a long slow process. Every new revelation extrapolates back through my personal history resetting my image of who I am. The latest batch of enlightenment has been great and also quite terrible. What Barkley was talking about has to do with living in the moment but also planning the next moment. Most people do this seamlessly. For some of us the short term memory that makes it possible to plan that next minute just doesn't get there on time. I love making plans and keeping them. 

There is another aspect of ADD called hyperfocus where you fixate on something digging more and more data out. In the Hunter vs Farmer model the reason for that it is helpful when stalking or running down prey. Or in the case of gatherers; scanning the horizon for edible plants and zeroing in. 

I struggled to memorize lines for a plays I was cast in in high school. Just like most kids. These days I am lucky to remember anything verbatim, even if I work at it. This explains why I did so much study and took all those classes then never did do much with hypnosis. If you have to you can read the suggestions off of paper once the subject is in trance but before that you have to be confident and can't stumble trying to remember what comes next. The short term future blindness Dr. Barkley talked about. I did do a hypnosis stage show and hope to again if physical therapy works out. The part where I do the induction on the volunteers just killed me. At least I now know why and can figure out a workaround.  I suppose when I started to have an interest in hypnosis when I was 12 or so it was me trying to figure out my own brain. 
I've been going to comedy open mics for a couple of years and getting mixed and unsatisfactory results. A couple of months ago I let go of the idea of memorized bits and just say what comes to mind. Results have been good overall. My mood is a limiting factor so as soon as I can figure out this 'how to proceed with my life business' in the next post, and my new doctors prescribe the ADD medication again, consistency can return.

The terrible part has to do with what got me to where I am today. It's lame to blame a cognitive brain condition for my troubles. It sounds too much like an excuse. I have always lived by my wits like I said. "If I only knew then what I know now" echos through my mind a lot lately. But I didn't know then. When I was a kid they had Ritalin I guess, but corporal punishment was more the standard approach at the time. Techniques to finesse your brain into a place where executive functions come at the right place hadn't been developed. They are not all that advanced now. But now that I know that workarounds are needed I can let my subconscious and intuition know so they can get to work on it.

There are other things about my existence that can be traced back or along sideways to this topic but that is enough for now. All this focusing has me worn out.  

Links:
Another ADHD blogger 
Why I don't stress too much about not being a reader of books
A visual representation (infographic) of what it's like.

That Butt sitting pain thing update

For over a year I have carried this special seat cushion around with me when I leave the house. No one has asked about it. One or two folks have. The rest are polite I guess, infirmity in others is so awkward, or they just don't care. Some people are nosey so you'd think, but no. — Originally  posted this on facebook in 2014, I have upgraded the cushion and still carry it wherever I go. — I was reminded of this last night when it came up in conversation.

I have blogged about this before but in the last few months much of the mental confusion has gone and with strict reduction in carbohydrates the mental fog has lifted too. Mostly. Depression? Meh. Less would be better but things are looking up. An updated review has been brewing in my head so here it is:

I have a pain at the location of my ischial tuberosity (sitz bones) the bones that support you when you sit. It feels like the gluteal muscles have no tone and just squish out of the way. But I stand and walk fairly well. Sometimes the pain starts right away but with physical therapy to build up the surrounding muscles and the special cushion I devised I can now go an hour or so, sometimes two, per day before pain starts to get too intense to think. Pain, anti-inflammatory or other medications have no effect on it.

I have brought this to the attention of a dozen doctors and others in the healthcare industry. None have offered a diagnosis or told me I was deluding myself. One pain specialist doctor did treat me with cortisone. It had no direct effect so we can rule out inflammation. I did experience a slight involuntary twisting sensation in my legs but the pain doc didn’t respond to my questions about this. The other medicos changed the subject to my damaged spine but gave no reason that just the gluteal muscles would be affected. A couple of neurology and ortho doctors have said they might consider doing and operation on my spine to repair crushed discs and impinged nerves if I lost 100 pounds. Then suggested that losing 100 pounds alone might relieve the symptoms. Likelihood the surgery would help were about 50/50 with worsening at about 25% probability. When pressed if that relief metric would include the butt thing they changed the subject.
Changing the subject seems to be the industry wide response.

This has left me, a non science guy, to come up with a hypothesis or three to explain the butt pain with no way to prove or disprove them.

I have neuropathy associated with diabetes. This started 16 yrs ago when I first was diagnosed with diabetes. It has gotten incrementally worse over those years; the trouble I have walking sometimes is probably linked to neuropathy. A variant called proximal neuropathy can effect larger muscle groups like in the buttocks. In a deep dive into medical surveys and studies all I came up with was essentially ‘Yeah it could happen’. No known cure. One of the Neurologists did what is called a ‘Nerve function test’ on me to document my neuropathy. He only spoke Italian so I am not sure what he found. I have come to know that few top level doctors choose to work in the bad air and cultural vacuum that is the southern valley of California. The ones that accept MediCal (medicaid) here are at the bottom of that barrel.

In 2004 I contracted to drive out to and around Wasco Ca. every night/365 for 6-8 hours starting at midnight. I took this contract because that is when the dizziness, dark depression and mental confusion started. I could function alright but the kind of consistency expected in more ‘interactive with other people’ kinds of work would not have worked. I wasn’t in the best place to do the physical lifting part of the job as smartly as I might have. The pickup I bought to do this had seats that were only a little softer than a wooden bench. There is a condition called weaver's bottom. Weavers got it in the old days from years of sitting in one place on wooden chairs. Athletes like cyclists get it too. They call it Ischial Bursitis and treat it as an inflammation caused by friction from using those tiny bike seats. I have established that what I have now is not inflammation but it may have started that way. There is also a tearing of those muscles that can occur from improper lifting. If you keep your back straight to protect your spine, tearing of those inflamed/damaged butt muscles can occur since they are taking so much of the load.

Besides decades of obesity the hard seats and too many hundreds of hours behind the wheel on too hard shocks are likely the cause of the compressed discs and arthritic lower spine that is the basis of why I was approved for social security disability.          

Add to this mix the drugs I starting taking around 1996 or 97. Statins. They are a point of much controversy. Many contend that the only documented good they do is possibly in helping a few percent of men under 70 who have already survived one heart attack. Other studies that are funded by the 35 billion dollar a year industry around this one class of drug are highly speculative. On the other side about 25% of people who take statin family drugs report adverse reactions and no lessening of heart disease risk. Diabetes and the mental confusion I experienced has been linked to statins in many peer reviewed studies but no definitive tests have been developed. Most common are complaints of muscle pain and damage. Ironically this can include the heart muscles.

The intended function of statins is to reduce cholesterol in the blood. The idea being that too much increases the risk of atherosclerosis blocking blood flow to the heart and brain. The myth that dietary cholesterol has an effect on serum cholesterol has been throughly debunked. Your body makes the cholesterol it needs. This means that the amount of cholesterol in your system is what is natural for you. Nature makes mistakes but not across the board and only after the industrial revolution. Cholesterol is part of every system of your body except your bones. Every nerve fiber relies on cholesterol for it’s functioning. The human brain is 60 percent fat, over 25 percent of that is cholesterol. Cholesterol is also a component of your muscles. It helps bind them together.
The real culprit in heart disease is stress and the cortisol your body produces in response. Too much cortisol too often damages the walls of your blood vessels. Cholesterol is the main patching material brought in to repair the holes. Much in modern society causes stress but it also drives productivity. You can avoid stress and most of the risk of heart disease through lifestyle changes. The main one being not participating in the rat race. Striving for that dream or even basic survival requires that you do. While I often have had high lipid levels shown in my blood tests; other tests like ultrasound imaging show little evidence of heart disease. I’ve been off statins since 2009. I meditate and have never sought wealth. The last 3.6 years of waiting on Soc Sec Disability and the 10 years working graveyard were quite stressful so guess I’ll have to see.  

This leads me to believe, granted with no actual tests or evidence, that the degradation that statins wrought on my brain and other systems likely is a contributor to the damage to my butt muscles. Either directly or indirectly.

Not knowing the pathology for sure is one level of disappointment. Not having any treatment for what has sidelined me from life these past years is a different level of disappointment. If only it were the only one.

---

Also found on web, but who the hell knows? I doubt that Medicare will pay for it:
Prolotherapy
Prolotherapy is one of the promising treatment for ischial tuberosity pain. In this treatment process dextrose solution is injected at the damaged tissue areas which then allow increasing fluid flow on those particular tissues and causes inflammation on those particular areas. It increases the blood flow and repairs the damaged part by boosting the immune system on those affected cells.

Stem Cell Therapy
Stem cell procedure produces mild inflammation on the affected ligaments to promote self-restoration of these tissues and reduce associated pain. Stem cells therapy promotes tissue healing by utilizing regenerative cells which obtain from patient’s own stem cells, just like natural process of our physiological system.

Fat since . . . pt.2

A lot going on in my little world lately.

On June 27th I went to a hearing to determine if 3+ years after applying I qualify for the Social Security Disability (SSDI) I paid into for 40 years. The doctor giving his opinion of my medical state gave all these details of the damage to my spine. Repeating many times the phrase 'pathological morbid obesity'. He was 2000 miles away and has never met me. He concluded, after looking at my records, that 'pathological morbid obesity' and age would prevent my condition from ever getting better. In his experience age and obesity were irreversible in situations like mine. Gastric bypass was the only possible way to mitigate the 'pathological morbid obesity' to relieve my symptoms. Maybe. The judge said at the bench that my application was valid. It's all about waiting for the paperwork to process so I can afford to to be limited to laying here on my back 90%+ of the time.  

A few days later I had an appointment with yet another orthopedic doctor. When I made the appointment it was difficult to get in. His staff made me repeat back on the phone that I wasn't seeing him just for a disability report*. I was trying not to be too hopeful but a real diagnosis from a doctor able to treat me is a dream I've had for years now. A great retort to what the hearing doctor said. As usual this guy didn't address the ischial tuberosity pain I have when I sit more than an hour, sometime up to 2 during any one day. He said that even if he did operate on people as overweight as I am that it probably wouldn't help my back pain and other issues like neuropathy. 
He asked about whatever else I had tried. I had been to a pain specialist 2 summers ago. That dr gave me 3 cortisone shots with no results. New dr wanted to know if I wanted to go back. I said I did not like the pain specialist dr. New dr asked so I explained "He is like the chiropractor I used to work for. No matter what you come in for you were prescribed adjustments 3 times a week till your insurance benefits ran out." New dr explained that he and the pain dr get paid to do treatments not just doing exams like he was with me at that time*. Long pause . . . . 
Did he not think an operation would help me or did he think my insurance wouldn't cover it*?
I told him that physical therapy does help with the back pain for a while, sometimes. He wrote me a prescription for PT and sent me on my way. 
When I first got there his front desk people made me sign a paper that said something about him never prescribing narcotics. Then again in the exam room the nurse prepping me made the point that he never writes prescriptions for any medications. "Wait, they told me at the front desk . . " Pain meds are no help with the butt pain. The back pain does get bad enough that oxy or one of those is needed. Only once this year so far but mother fuck, that opiate addiction thing has nothing to do with me but at some point is going to literally leave me in a world of hurt. 
*For-profit healthcare is a big hole of suck. 

Anyway back to the grain free WOE. Internet chat groups have helped me a lot in understanding adult-adhd and statin damage. Lots of links to articles good and bad. So far, each of the major variations of low carb eating have such "True Believers" that even describing my short term, off program, experiences has gotten me booted from a couple of groups. One of the biggest groups I am still in is all about keeping the American Diabetes Association diabetes management guidelines. So far I have only been warned but am on thin ice. I don't know why I care. There are so many WOEs that have better track records than ADA has. For some people anyway. 
In the last week I have noticed some new things related to not eating grains, beans or potatoes:

• I still use a little bit of sugar in my coffee and tea. Something those true believers would blanch at. 
• When I was weighed at the new ortho dr's office I saw that I was down 15 lbs so far. The last time I was down to 330 was years back. 
• Lobedo got less and less in the last couple of years. What with being depressed, older and in a prolonged state of suspense and shame. I've had beg to get by while waiting on SSDI. To my surprise a number of time during the last month I have woken up ready for action, if you get my drift. The sensory charms of women make me feel all sparkly inside again. 
• Not a whole lot of more energy but I do find myself getting up to do busy work around the house. Who knows? the years of domicile neglect around here may start to fade away. 
• I have switched to what I assume is a more natural appetite rather than carbohydrate induced cravings all the time. 
• The lightheaded and dizzy feeling every morning became kind of rare a few months ago. It's back.  
• Gout attacks that got bad for a while have calmed. Could be that much of the stress of the hearing is gone now that it's over. If I am in ketosis it is a side effect. 

Then I read about one thing that happens when ketosis kicks in, that may account for a boost in the general feeling of wellbeing, reduced brain fog and appetite. Beta-hydroxybutyrate, or BHB is let loose in your blood stream. It creates a euphoria, kind of like the drug ecstasy (GHB). Evidently without the bad side effects. 

Keto evidently has some possible bad side effects but the good may outweigh them or not be relevant to me. One reason I was considering the blood sugar diet. It's less intense that way. I had this quack doctor years ago that wanted me to take the diet drug fen-phen after it was found to be dangerous but before it was banned. He said the odds of a fatal side effect from fen-phen were 1 in 15,000. The risks of suffering and/or death from obesity were just a matter of when. 

The clear headedness is a double edged sword. I think my addiction to carbs started at a such a young age and has been worse for me than other people because of ADHD. A way of self medicating to buffer the extra noise in my head. Euphoria and energy lately but also overlapping stimuli that I remember experiencing at other times in my life. Before I was diagnosed with adhd. If I get enough sleep and then caffeine I get a bit of the focus I was getting when I was prescribed Adderall. That is why I am able to get back to doing this blog. On the other hand I am more easily distracted than I was. You get CRS at a certain age too. 

Just as if I wasn't coming up with enough conflicting articles and studies the brain fog could also be type 3 diabetes. They are using low carb on alzheimer's people with good results. 

As I ended with in the last instalment I am hopeful that I won't have to use one of the methods that require a lot of tracking of this and that. Not only am I not predisposed to that kind of thing I do have faith in the principle that human bodies are self correcting. Removing the irritant of excess carbohydrates and the bad stuff in modern grain hybrids may be the key to letting my body heal itself. 

I have also been watching many videos on YouTube on these topics. One of the many medical doctor experts said some things that made no sense. She said the she tells her patients not to eat anything that grows underground. They are all full of carbs like potatoes. So no carrots or onions. She's just plain old wrong about that. She also said one thing that made a lot of sense. She drew an analogy between carbohydrate sensitivity and sensitivity to the sun. Due to factors beyond your control like heredity. Similar to the way redheads have to avoid the sun as much as possible. Some people can work up to hours of exposure. Still other darker complected people can tolerate lots of sun by comparison. It's the same with carbs and grains. You have to find the level of exposure that works best for you. 

The proof will be if I survive this new WOE and continue to lose weight and feel well.

Fat since I was a Kid

The last time I saw 190 lbs. in 1973

I finally figured it out.
Why I’m so fat.
Why I’ve always been so fat.
I think I have, 
I need to give it more time but so far it's looking good.

The the first thing is that after I stopped eating grains; hunger and brain fog virtually went away. Blood sugar readings haven't been this low in years. That was before I managed to purge all of the bread, pasta, potatoes, beans etc. from my cupboards. I've lost 10 lbs already and the only measuring of food I've done was experimenting with grain free bread recipes. 

I have tried numerous diets, programs and ways of eating (WOE)s since I was 8 years old. I have never looked seriously at WOEs like Atkins, Keto and Paleo because something about them never seemed right. I thought self righteous vegetarians could be tiresome, some of those keto-folks, oy.   
Around 2012 I came across the book "The End of Diabetes" by: Dr. Joel Fuhrman. It was a too harsh regime WOE for me to try but the idea of carbohydrates being the bad guy got stored in the back of my brain. 
It was the year before that, in 2011, when I read "Wheat Belly" by Dr William Davis. My extended family mom Sylvia was shocked by the idea but I tried cutting out all gluten anyway. 30 years of loose stools and leakage just stopped. About a year or so ago the longing for bread and cake got to me and I started eating wheat again. Bowel trouble came back too but intermittently. 

I read little more on low carb dieting over the years. The old Weight Watchers (see below) was low carb & low fat. About a year ago, almost instinctively, I started using different kinds of squash in place of potatoes and/or pasta in many dishes. When I tested; my sugars didn't spike. You want a reading between 99-130, mine was over 300 sometimes.
Then I read that there are ways to do low carb that lead to weight loss too. I was fed up with the problems of using insulin, besides the hassle of needles and blood sugar finger stick tests. 

I had done and liked Dr Michael Mosley's 5:2 fasting diet. His latest is based on the same science but geared to blood sugar. Then I saw the documentary “What’s With Wheat?” on Netflix. I was intrigued but skeptical, much like I was with gluten. Decided I had give it a go myself to see. I inched toward carb intake reduction over a couple of months. Gout attacks became quite frequent because of the dietary changes and increased stress in other areas of my life; but there was no turning back. 

A week or so after the last slice of french and most other grain products left the house I started to notice a change. Was I going into Ketosis or just detoxing from grain? The brain fog was gone for whole days at a time. This last week my vocabulary has folded back out to where it used to be. My mind and imagination is filled with color and flashes from times past and present. Like areas were getting blood for the first time in years. Then it wouldn’t slow down. My brain keeps loading in data and processing the patterns. Oh yeah, that is how my brain used to work. ADHD. Too much neural traffic? Hope not. 

Oh shit.
I’ve been eating way too many carbs (and everything else) my whole fricken life to dampen the effects of the ADHD. Self medicating. Fuck!

It's easy to see a progression isn't it? As kid too much stimuli was unpleasant. I was a kid and couldn't express it, parents or teachers may have felt something was not right but the resources were not available in my town in the early 60s. So I found eating made it feel better. The result was obesity and the psychological baggage that brings with it. Low self esteem + adhd + underdeveloped social skills compounded the psychological damage. More obesity. This lead to undiagnosed or treated sleep apnea by the early 80s. Sleep and oxygen deprivation increased the side effects of adhd and lethargy. So more obesity. In the 90s statins became available to treat high cholesterol. This medication started to damage my muscles, brain and possibly lead to diabetes. 

Wait a minute, let me track back on some of this.

The carbohydrate paradox. Hunger, leads to carbs, leads to insulin, which makes more hunger so more carbs so more . . 
I've been fighting 2 addictions plus the psychological mishegas. Just as I have said all along, beyond my control. Not a moral failing. Damnit!

So far it's just early results. I know better than to count on it yet. What I have done so far is just cutting out grains not the Keto or Paleo thing, as such. Where besides very low carb intake you also increase fat to 70% of calories. I have always eaten too much fat, in the form of dairy products mostly. Fried food (I literally spent my childhood in a fast food place). My hunger is so much less lately that I haven't been eating cheese as much either. No fried food yet. I have fish in the freezer and grain free breading recipe I should try. Many grain free recipes call for lots of eggs and oil. One bread recipe calls for a cup of nut butter. Another one calls for 8 eggs in one loaf of bread. Once I am settled into the current WOE I'll investigate those in more detail. Man-o-man there are lots of variations.  

More backstory:

They are mostly passive aggressive about it my presence these days but many, especially svelte people, still hang onto the notion that obesity is a moral failing. We are modern day lepers. "If you would just eat less and exercise more you undisciplined scum of the earth Idiot"! These people fall into types. People because of metabolism or whatever just naturally eat less and move more. People that aren't hard chargers at the gym and eat whatever they want and maintain a normal weight. People that have OCD about diet and exercise and due to the nature of OCD maintain a dim view of people who do not share their obsession. Then there is a large contingent of self haters that go from one diet to another, kind of aimlessly, chasing a societal norm for reasons usually shame based (not usually me, but this is where it starts to get complicated). Lots of people watch their weight because they are conscientious people and don't harbor ill will or have harsh judgements towards the obese. 
Even so, kissing a fat person is not the first choice for most people. Not even a face as pretty and plump as mine. 

I don't think it is as common as it was at one time but I know personally 7 people who have had versions of gastric bypass. I walked one friend through the surgical process as a support person. 2 of the people kept the weight off long term. My own sister is a great success story. All traded the health and appearance benefits for a way of eating (WOE) enforced by gastric pain and distress of different kinds. I don't know all the particulars.

My mother was very loving but hid some big neurosis behind a charming bigger than life personality. She was my biggest fan. This came with a subtext of "Too bad no one will ever love you because you're fat" (you don't ever get over shit like that). Overweight for her was a non-starter. In the 50s diet pills (speed) were available from many doctors by prescription. This worked for her so well that when my older sister started putting on pounds at puberty mom made her take Black Beauties too. 

I was 8 when she took me to my first diet doctor. I don't know if any of the handfuls of pills he had me taking were amphetamines. Having to eat strange weird tasting food in odd amounts every 6 hours did not leave me enchanted. The rectal exam in the darkened exam room has stuck with me. Or was it the scared angry vibe coming off the nurse who was there to witness that nothing strange happened?

To get me interested in exercise dad took me for golf lessons on Saturday mornings for a while. Yep, ya really burn up the calories hitting a bucket of balls on the driving range. The pro never did take us for a round of golf. The local YMCA had a gym and various classes. I liked the olympic sized trampoline decades before they had home versions. And the giant pool with the overflow edge. It didn't work. I am still not a fan of physical activity. Me + ADHD + any games or exercise does not add up to something I look forward to. I recently had a gym membership that I did use for 3 or 4 years. The thing of changing machines and routines every few minutes then taking a swim then steam did work for me. 10 minutes of stationary bike is all the cardio I could handle before crushing boredom set in. That may be more than a person needs anyway. 
The Truth About Exercise .

Weight Watchers had a special teen group that met to trade stories of doing the diet from the teen perspective. I think I was around 16. Despite the lameness of the meetings it did work. The constant measuring, tracking and cans of tuna with only mustard for lunch finally got to me and I let it go. The Weight Watchers WOE is not protein based the way it was then. I tried going to a meeting a few years ago. Just like when I was a teen I don't really have peers. There doesn't seem to be other people like me in this part of the world so sharing stories about making and eating food for and with spouses and children was useless to me. There was a creepiness to it also. 

The strangest one. I think I have posted about it before. Daily injections in a doctor's office of some hormone found in the urine of pregnant women. It was supposed to mobilize your fat like it would if your body needed energy to form a whole new human inside you. Personally I think it was the 500 calories per day of food intake that caused the weight loss. I was young and had a physical job transporting people to medical appointments that made it too stressful after a while. Even though I was young and stupid my 19 year old self did finally figure out the scam. Maybe that was when I stopped trusting doctors. 
Being blinded by wishful thinking has not been exclusive to my teens however. That one ended early because of an indescribable pain just below my sternum. The next year I found out that pain was pancreatitis. 

I have let go of the dieting idea for years at a time. 5 years or so ago my collection of medical woes got to the point that I did diet to get me from around 356 to under 300. That too is documented here I think. The goal that time, more than anything else, was specifically to deal with my sleep apnea. As per usual my healthcare providers gave spotty help and advice. Even with the CPAP strapped to my face every night I was having chronic fatigue and brain fog. The weight loss didn't help. All the info online (I am also dubious of .gov and .edu but good info is out there if you are willing to take the time to find it) sources said that for every 10 or 20 pounds you lose you need a sleep test so they can adjust the CPAP settings. Even after losing over 50 pounds my doctor refused. Demoralized I lost interest in weight loss. In 2014 I was close to death when a different sleep apnea dr ordered a new sleep study and prescribed a BiPap machine with a much more effective mask setup. Quality of life quintupled immediately. 

After a week in the hospital and nearly dying in 2001 I was diagnosed with diabetes. It was well controlled with oral meds till 2014. It is difficult to recall all of the trouble I've had with pain, muscle damage, brain fog, weird goings on in my gut and the side effects of medication over the last 10-15 years. The thing of being dizzy and lightheaded the first 6 hours of the day and after meals ruled my life for 12 years. Again the medical community had no diagnosis of treatment for this. By the first of this year I was down to 3 oral meds for high blood pressure, gout etc. and it came down to controlling my blood sugar by injecting more and more insulin. 100u of long acting in the morning and up to 30u of short acting 15 minutes before meals with a blood sugar stick test 2 hours after each meal. (I've been diligent but all the precise timing and tracking is no more pleasant than when I was 16) The POS endocrinology doctor I see said with those high doses he might switch me to a twice a day super strength insulin. This is after he tried to get me to take a med that would have killed me. Fortunately I looked it up and told him no. "Why didn't you tell me you had pancreatitis?" "For one thing you didn't ask and my medical records are right there in your hand". 

This ended up longer than I had intended but I want to make an addendum. Since at least 1975 I have been what is called in some spiritual traditions a "Seeker". Exploring without assumptions what lies beyond words and forms but also what practices and approaches to living in the world are harmonious and natural. This means I have done daily meditation (adhd notwithstanding) in many forms for most if that time. Investigated and tried many things. The 10 years I did massage for my living was a big part of that seeking. I have studied hypnosis these many years also and have found an approach to using trance that relies on the self healing nature of the human body and mind. My search for a way to lose weight and heal has kept an eye on the possibility of using intrinsic self healing. This new WOE may lead there. 

More in the next installment

Open Mic: workin' my way back to you . . .

Working it back to where I’m getting some laughs. Yay!
The last couple of months I’ve been off my game at Open Mic. Obsessing over next week’s hearing has consumed all my funny is what it feels like. It’s not like the judge will decide if I live or sink into the abyss of being a homeless disabled guy or something. Wait, yes that’s exactly what it’s like. 

At one point I did have half of a plan for developing “my act”, to use the jargon. This week I managed to get back to the plan and start to take it to the next level. Months ago it started with corny old bits and odd things found on the internet then on to; topical and sex jokes then to; character work (Sugar, B.M. Parks, the old geezer, the Ozzy/Scots/Cockney guy etc). Finally yesterday was time to take the next step*; being a sweet but crankier version of myself that resents having to tell dick jokes at my age. The honesty thing. It’s an off-the-cuff/riffing kind of approach. I was on a roll initially, it petered out after about 3 minutes but the formula seem to work. With brain power returning having confidence helps a lot.  I’ll work this angle for a while and see where it leads. Beats trying to memorize stuff or read from notes.
* did do something like this in the fall but had some sick day and lost it.

I didn’t want to do the first person narrative that is so common these days (like I’m doing now).  Most of the comedians on Netflix do that stlye. I have always chafed at doing what everyone else does in other parts of life. It is too often a trap of banality. For one thing my real life is, tedious and scary right now but overall, pretty boring. I’m not an angry person, my upbringing had it’s strife but all within middle class norms. The stuff I'm going through now might be humorous once I get some distance from it. Not now. Sex at my age can be deep and meaningful and hot, or so I am told, but the tabooness that makes for punchlines and nervous laughter, not really a thing these days.  (caveat; if I get proper sleep and other things that let my testosterone level rise; everything female starts to have that old sparkle, but it has to get inline with all the other bodily functions. It's a visceral kind of joy but not funny or not not funny, just kind of is).

Another thing about the latest stage of act development. I was not as funny as my pal Curtis was in high school. He ended up in a mental institution then a series of groups homes and has had a nightmare life. I haven't heard from him in years. He's probably dead. I don’t need to be that funny. I did have some chops back in the day. Stream of consciousness, voices and sound effects flowed when I was on a roll. I still soundtrack my life with sound effects but I am not aware of it sometimes. Jet airplane sounds as I walk through a crowd or doing vocally the Wah Wah when I see irony. All this stuff is to bring back my comedy chops. The years of theatre 1972-2009,  the hypnosis show since 2010,  months of workshopping improv 2014-15, then open mics since November of 2015, working corny old jokey jokes and strengthening the alternate personas so I can bring Sugar or one of the dialects up at will. I don't expect it will ever be like it was 30-40 years ago but I'm a different person now. It has a lot to do with ADHD.  I have learned a great deal more about my flavor of ADHD since my last post on the topic here. I should do an update.